just a few hours ago, after a concentrated and motivated effort to pass the final boss... i have finished hylics! what a stunning experience and it's unlike anything else i've ever experienced. mason lindroth describes hylics as a "program" and it really does feel like that at times when you're interacting with all of it. after passing the final boss i searched all over the map and each world to check if i'd missed anything--i went back for the remaining sage token i hadn't gotten, and acquired a few extra special skills--illusion form and legend of melting! (i wish i'd had the latter for the boss battle, tbh!)
a beautiful game with some of the most ethereal and unignorable music i've ever heard accompany a game. i always pay attention to music in games (and programs) and how they affect the atmosphere and experience of the gameplay--and i mean it when i say the music is outstanding and works in tandem with the stunning visuals to fully immerse you.
if you had to take the time to play a new game, experience an abstract work of art, enjoy an experience i'm certain you've never had before... hylics is the answer. i'll never forget it and in addition to more playthroughs, i am eager to play hylics 2--and i think the timing on my part has been just right, because i've seen something about a 3rd hylics as well. how exciting!!! it feels good to beat a game... and complete a program.
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i've been playing a lot of video games lately, and one in particular i've wanted to play for so long... i'm finally playing hylics! it's so beautiful and i can't get enough of the art style and the animation within. the colors are so striking and the music is so atmospheric, it's hard to put into words. it's been such a delightful thing to experience and explore and for a minute there, i thought i'd never get a chance to play the first game. whenever there's a series of games, when i'm new to it i always want to start at the very beginning if possible. i like to start with the "original" and get a chance to play all related games--for the completionist in me, but also for the full substance of the series. i'm playing hylics and hylics 2 looks phenomenal as well and the visuals are beautifully enhanced and built upon after what's in the first game. mason lindroth describes hylics as a "program" and when i'm interacting with it and i can feel and see what he means i think. i'm loving it so, so much and i'm trying not to rush it. it's really beautiful and feels like a lovely expanse and labyrinth to lose myself in...
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the past few days i haven't felt 100% emotionally, but i've been trying to keep my pace with making art. i'm still motivated and excited about sheezy, and i've been making a lot of art lately! experimenting with lining and coloring and overall composition. very pleased with improvements i can see in my art and style and process; it's progress! i am putting a lot of focus and energy into committing to an oc of some kind and i think i've got it. decided to challenge myself with a different design i've never drawn before for this oc i've been working on today... i really like the way they look so far so i'm hoping the artwork/idea turns out. we'll see.
gotta keep making art, gotta stay motivated, gotta remember what matters to me, gotta remember what makes sparks fly in my heart, gotta remember what kind of stuff keeps me up at night with thrill and anticipation...
... let's keep going.
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i'm back to working on my website and i've been updating my various pages with new stuff, and i have new ideas for new pages too! i've also been making a lot of art lately and i'm proud of myself for not losing any inspiration or motivation to make art. been making a lot of different types of art, i've been practicing pixel art with procreate, and also i've been working on a new self portrait. i find it really affirming to draw myself because, well, i did spend a long time struggling with awful self esteem and body image and that literally led quickly to me drawing myself inaccurately, basically every time. as an adult my self portraits have improved immensely and i draw myself with confidence and most importantly, accurately! my features, proportions, etc.
anyway, recently i discovered sheezy for the first time and wow i am incredibly excited about it! i used to use deviantart pretty consistently but it changed a lot over time and i didn't like using it much at that point. i've posted my art sometimes over the years on tumblr but it's hard to maintain an audience for art there and that worsened with time, too. tumblr's changed a lot too but i am still willing to use itโi do enjoy it.
i've wanted a decent place to post and explore art in a way that feels comfortable and truly authentic and enjoyable and i feel like i've finally that in sheezy! i think it's so cool and amazing that it existed in the early/mid 00's and it's being rebuilt with so much hard work and heavy consideration of artists and their experience using the website. i've really enjoyed using it so far, there's zero ads, it's full of profile customization and i love how easy it is to upload art and tag it, organize it, and display it in your own gallery.
and to top everything off, my tax return will hit soon and it's a good one! a very needed ball of money that will help me a lot and i think it'll go on a long way and last. very grateful for itโi'd love to spend time with friends and have some fun with them with some of it... i'd love that.
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so happy to be back and working on this website again. i wanna add a lot more to it and i wanna really get creative with fonts, text, and graphics. i wanna add new pages with some ideas i've had. i'm considering adding more video to the site uploading my fancams! i'm very proud of them, i rly enjoy video editing, it would be fun to share them here. i wanna add a guestbook, too. and more graphics! said that already, hehe. (: thanks to my new followers for taking a look and choosing to follow--i'm back to daily updates!
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if you can believe it, i slept much like a vampire yesterday, and felt the weight of conforming to a daylight schedule yesterday fall away completely after reading the beginning of interview with the vampire for the first time. i was reading to my boyfriend to comfort him while he fell to sleep and was reading this for the first time and feeling so enamored and admittedly swept away by the visuals and world that was formed in my mind as i processed every word... it really has left a mark on me already... i look forward to reading more of it.
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i'll try to make this entry brief because i wanna go to bed a little earlier, but admittedly it is nearly 5 am. i'm going to try my very best to wake up on time and not sleep in past 12pm--that's my usual timeframe i keep in mind--so if i go to bed soon i can definitely make that happen.
i spent some time watching some video essays i'd never seen before, i always want to watch new video essays and learn new things. (and not just because i was the kid removed from public school and given very, very little education at all outside of what i got from public school... that's a different topic for a different day.) i love to learn and listening and watching a video essay or documentary really works well for me, the pairing of visuals with spoken text and captions, too, is really helpful for me and i absord information well. i don't give myself enough creit around reading, though. i often admit i don't read enough, which is true and i do want to read more books and want to commit to that, but i do read wikipedia articles often, as well as written essays, articles, and other text-based things where i'm learning and absorbing what i'm reading.
i can glance at my bookshelf next to me and see books i've cracked into but i have yet to finish, but have thoroughly enjoyed and absorbed what i've read of them thus far. for example, i really want to finish my copy of by any means necessary which features ideas, speeches and direct sentiments from malcolm x. the first edition of that book was first published in 1970.
anyway, i don't have tons to say right now, but as always i'm always full of emotion, it's definitely a spectrum... and i try not to lose myself in the depths of the blended, draining shades... i try my very best not to lose myself in the suffocation of the terrified or disengaged corners.
every day i try my absolute best to make enriching, progressive, grounded choices that guide me through life in a way that rejects the lies and deformity of capitalism and ideas and "choices" meant only to make someone money and mean nothing for the life and wellbeing of an individual or a family or a community or a society. and it might ironically sound generic, but i mean it when i say that acknowledging what we do have in life, the things we are truly grateful and thankful for, the love in our lives, the things we have that we may take for granted that others struggle for or never have, and plenty more... we realize we do have good things. but the international community deserves so, so, so much more than capitalism, so much more than war, so much more than genocide, so much more than environmental destruction and grief, so much more than death and decay that can be prevented... it's possible. it absolutely is possible.
don't give up on the world, don't give up on yourself, don't give up on love, don't give up on fighting for more.
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yesterday was a mixed day. i went to my planned parenthood appointment and got set up with them; the person that filled out my medical history/chart was trans and reccomended a goth club after noting my rob zombie shirt i was wearing--a lighthearted moment! my prescription should be ready later on (now monday) and i'll have more testosterone again! i want to stay consistent like i have been in the past with my shots--missing t shots definitely messes with my moods and overall hormones, of course. in 2021, my first year on testosterone, i was very consistent with my shots and it was very beneficial to me and it felt good to take it on-time every week.
some other unusual, stupid things happened yesterday that i might only ever write in my physical journal about... it's funny, though, that people can be so reactive to me in negative ways... it's an interesting phenomenon i've witnessed over time. i rarely output anything offensive to aggrivate others with, and online especially, i'm not a mega-poster or someone who speaks and thinks out loud frequently, hourly, every single day online. in fact this sace here is the one of the only places you'll find me actively online anymore--aside from tumblr and instagram and sorta-kinda x, too. mainly here.
trying to just relax and unwind after my weird and kind of dissociative, semi-nonverbal (semi-mute) day. didn't feel particularly verbal at all while at the grocery store--that tends to happen to me--even right now i'm not feeling very verbal and i'm appreciating the sound of the heater running, the keys on my keyboard, and the talking in the youtube video i'm playing in the background. zehn's playing overwatch but he's wearing his headphones so it's relatively quiet right now.
in the background i've been listening to and glancing at a video from ethel cain, it's a video of her talking about art books in her collection that she really likes. the way she speaks is very soothing! i've noticed a lot of people talking about her but admittedly i'd never even seen her face until just a couple of hours ago, i watched her video where she reviews a sound conditioning machine. a marsona sound conditioner, i think it was. i'm enjoying listening to her describe the artwork in the books and describing the colors and compositions, her interpretations. it has me thinking about the art and photography books i have, i should really pull them out and turn their pages and enjoy them.
i feel melancholy, though. sometimes i'll see things like this, someone just sharing something they really like and something that makes them feel, makes them happy, and it can remind me of what i've been lacking in my life during a depressive period--and it's just that--the things that make me happy, things that spark introspection, creativity, inspiration, etc. art and music really do that for me but i can sadly admit there are many times where i don't listen to music when i could put on a record or pop a casette player in. or i could pull out my sketchbook and make a very intentional piece of art, instead of just a spontaneous doodle or sketch... not that that's bad to do, spontaneous art... but an intentional piece is an achievement of its own and can feel really special.
maybe i just need to tap into my own creativity more. i do tap into that in some way, i'll draw on my ipad, create a sketch or doodle or painting, but maybe i need to make more physical things, perhaps. i do need to make music again--it's been a long time. hopefully i can get garageband to actually work on my macbook.
i do, also, want to go to therapy again. it's been well over a decade since i last had any kind of therapist--and it was a subpar situation/setup when i did... but i would like to. of course i've been through plenty of things worth talking to a therapist about, plenty of things worth getting a professional opinion on, and i will... but it's a process. i need to find someone i feel truly comfortable with, someone who won't give me grief over my transness or queer/trans existence/culture/politics/etc so i can actually feel comfortable and respected. i haven't done lots of research yet but i'm hoping minnesota state insurance actually covers therapy and i can have a quality therapist that i feel good about actually covered by said insurance... we'll see what happens. i'll be applying soon and i'll find out soon what i can do with it. in the meantime, i do have my diary.
feels nice to write all of this out... a quiet, safe space for me to share my thoughts and feelings and ideas and document my daily life/experiences. i'll write more soon, of course. if you've been reading my blog... thank you. i appreciate it.
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today i overslept quite a bit, but that's what i get for staying up until 5 am fixing code on my website. admittedly i made a lot of progress but i really should have noticed the time, but yes, i did get a lot done and my pages are looking great! i really feel like i can do anything with this website and let it be a reflection of my emotions and creativity, an outlet for me.
it's nice to have a place that is all my own, unrestricted, to put together a space for my art, my thoughts, my special interests... i value my self-expression and i really enjoy putting all of this together to create a personal, thoughtful virtual representation of my essence.
i have so many ideas... i'm not done yet!
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i've been working on my website for hours and also had plenty of help from my boyfriendโthe code for my diary works and looks much better now. i've made a lot of progress and have new pages to eplore, as well. i've already started working on my shrine for brandon lee. i have a directory, featuring a collection of important links.
i think i learn a little bit more about coding every day!
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february is here and i feel like i've been adjusting to the new year during january, like mammals emerging from hibernation to reenter the world outside awaiting them... i've felt disconnected from myself lately but...
maybe i can find my way back.
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