i was looking at my buckethead shrine tonight and it's really nice. i love it so much and put hours and hours of effort into it and i also learned new code and new things i can do visually with my website to make it even more special. i really love the spinning circular photo of praxis, i think it's fun. i love the gif of bucket on the couch in the frame. i created the transparent graphic of giant robot by hand and it tooks me a long time to make. i spent so much time on it and i love it so much. i'm wondering if i should try to add an autoplaying song to the page, maybe. but i want it to be something quiet, the playlist would be quiet. it would be nice to maybe even replace the ambient tv buzz sometime with the sound of rain, maybe. i have a lot of ideas and i think i might (definitely, actually) add new things for halloween. buckethead loves halloween, i do too. it's truly wonderful, and i'm excited to dress up again.
— t
it's been a while since i've updated my website, but i'm still here. i've been working through a lot of complicated things with my mental health but i'm also happy to say and i think a lot has evolved for me emotionally and mentally lately and i think good things will come from all of it.
my boyfriend and i also got back last night from a little weekend trip to philadelphia! i've never been to the actual east coast like that before and it was really different and i was really appreciating and noticing the atmosphere and we eplored a little bit walking around. we even got to visit a vintage wrestling store i've wanted to visit and just never had the opportunity until now! it was so amazing and i had so much fun checking out it, i can't wait to go back. i even held a real replica championship belt for the first time! it was heavy and the weight to it made me think about how much it means to win one in the first place. it was inpsiring...
i think i'd really, really like to go back to philadelphia with my boyfriend and spend more than just a day-ish there, spend more time and explore some more! i really did like the atmosphere and it feels like it had an effect on me that i carry with me now.
— t
i watched a video very, very early this morning while unable to fall asleep, the sun approaching outside. ted kutina is an artist making short films and also writing and sharing his thoughts and creative vision on youtube. i became aware of his art via a recent video of his that i loved and it really resomated with me. his thoughts were grounded and realistic and i appreciated the honesty and humility he was sharing.
he also talked about the eternal flame falls, a waterfall which holds under it a small cave with natural gas in it. he talked about how it's a major sightseeing spot and lots and lots of people visit to see the flame, or light the flame if it's missing. so he decides to visit the falls at the crack of dawn, to seek out the flame for himself, to be amongst nature early in the morning, alone in a park, sitting in front of the waterfall and small cave. when he gets there, the flame is missing, no fire. just the falls and the growing glow of a new york morning, surrounded by trees and shale.
ted really thought he would show up and the fire would be there, the "eternal" flame wasn't so eternal as much as it was... intentional. and that's when something nice happens that he didn't expect. other people arrive to visit the falls and see the eternal flame, too, but upon seeing a small, darkened cave, they reached inside with a lighter and started another fire. creativity and art are interconnected amongst us all, and even when we are alone, creating our art, expressing ourselves and pouring ourselves into something we create, something we put together ourselves, it doesn't become lost or obsolete upon its completion, but it becomes part of what everyone else does, it joins everyone else's creations. we may make art alone, spend time practicing and evolving creatively alone, but the things we create are not truly lost and alone.
he said something that stuck with me—that when we're forging community, creating, connecting, interacting... someone must go first. and that someone is you. whatever it is you create, the self that you pour into your art and what you envision, go first. it's not lost, it's not lonely the way that you might feel when you create it, but it can and does join others—it's part of something. it is not above or below anyone else, it is amongst everyone else.
he goes on to say that someone will always come along and go first, they will light the flame if they're looking for it and it's missing... and sometimes you go first. sometimes you light the flame. but if you don't, someone else surely will... and that's a beautiful thing. i believe it.
— t
yesterday was a day i'd been looking forward to and hoping would go well, and all things considered it was very nice. my grand-uncle and grand-aunt visited and i haven't seen them in 9 years. i've transitioned medically in that time and i've grown a lot and evolved a lot. but i've always appreciated my grand-uncle because it's always felt like he cares about me and thinks of me. i grew up in a chaotic, uncomfortable, draining, abusive household where everyone was fighting often, everyone was screaming often, i never felt comfortable around anyone because of how i was treated and the things people said to me and did to me... but whenever i think about my grand-uncle, honestly one of the first things that comes to mind is he is quite literally one of the only people on earth, let alone someone i'm related to, that has never abused me or tried to hurt me or lash out at me in any manner.
i had seen him more than once during my childhood at different ages, i was quite young, but he never tried to hurt me. he actually would visit and want to spend time with me, care about my wellbeing and my hardships, and he would involve me and include me in activities with him. he never had any kids but i've been told he always wanted kids. my grand-aunt had a heap of responsibility for her multiple siblings when she was young and got very burnt out on the idea of children and being responsible for more children after that experience and the two of them never had children.
but i can say that he definitely would have been a decent dad and has been a wonderful uncle to me. it's been really nice to see that for many years he has cared about me and asked about me and had opinions about things i was dealing with. i appreciated him listening to me last year when i was talking to him on the phone about the excessively toxic situation we were in living in california with * and *. it was out of control and getting worse all the time and he listened to me and let me explain a little bit of it to him and describe it to him. i think he really did listen, but he obviously didn't understand how or why it had ended up the way that it was. none of it really makes any sense so you can't really blame him.
well yesterday was really nice, many people together, talking and spending time together. and politics did come up more than once and it didn't totally destroy the atmosphere or ruin anything! i absolutely was going to stand my ground and be the grounded person that i am during political discourse—i'm always able to have conversations about that kind of stuff without attacking or disparaging someone just because they disagree or don't immediately understand something i've said. i'm willing to a very considerable extent to explain and educate someone about something that i feel comfortable and capable speaking of. but of course there's many things i'm not well versed in and wouldn't be able to describe or discuss as well as someone else. many such things, to be honest.
anyway... it was nice and i really appreciated seeing family members that i know care about me. the way my grand-uncle said "come here" and gave me such a tight hug, and a kiss on my head... it felt honest and i just haven't had any of that from "family" in my life. family as a term already has limited and minimal meaning in my life compared to what the next person might feel, but... it was nice. i gave him two hugs before he left and i told him i really appreciated him staying in touch and caring. i meant it, and i do think he really does care. he acknowledged what i said and it meant a lot to me. i can usually tell when someone is actually listening to me, even though that's not everyone i've talked to.
he's traveled to so many parts of the world in his life and has collected a lot of art while traveling—he actually gave me a portrait of himself, in charcoal, that he said an artist in russia created. he seems to hate it and said funny things about it but it's not that bad! it actually looks like him, it's not the worst portrait. but it was funny to me that he didn't seem to like it. my boyfriend thinks it's fun and now we've got it on the wall and it's actually got a decent frame, too. i still have the previous, smaller painting he sent to me last year! it's a very pretty, humble scene of some kids on what looks like a farm near a small stream, under a tree. grass, clear sky, spring/summer colors/atmosphere. it's a really nice painting.
it was nice to see my boyfriend talking to them too and they were talking to him and being kind to him. i always want people to treat him with respect. they were making sure to get his name correct and to pronounce it correctly.
i'm going to miss them but they did say they would come back soon, and said we could go to them and visit them, too. this kind of stuff is new again but i think it's worth doing. i'm glad to have these people in my life.
— t
having political conversations and "discourse" can be difficult, feel futile, and feel like you're wasting your breath. but i do urge you to have these conversations as empathetically and rationally as possible with people in your life. of course people you love, but the people you see often. people who seem open to it. people who seems frustrated and want someone to listen to them. and i urge you to listen to them, to take the time to listen to them. they've likely, and i would nearly assume, been lied to and have so much pent up rage, resentment, emptiness inside for everything they could have been, could have lived, could have experienced, should have had, and everything they ever needed or wanted, lost to time and the inescapable fate of time and mortality.
people are suffering and it comes in all different shades and severities. they're suffering in their health, they're suffering in their social lives, they're suffering in their connections to their world and their communities--or what community they could have or did have, they're suffering in their emotional state, they're suffering financially as every possible thing you could think of or need becomes more and more expensive. modest, humble pleasures fall out of sight and out of reach. necessitiies to survive and live decently are kept far and away and become--or always were--inaccessible and therefore unattainable. there's justified anger and deep, existential hurt in what this lack brews inside a human soul. and all of this is just part of a massive iceberg.
people who have suffered who are dead and never coming back. people who are alive today, young or old, sick or well, comfortable or miserable, houseless or sheltered, "college educated" or looking through the window of what has always felt like a gigantic, door-opening opportunity, employed or unemployed, able-bodied or injued by work, or struggling to get by while permanently disabled, regardless of the severity.
this world is full of hurt so deep it is generational and it has indeed been studied and discussed that the surmounting trauma of systemtic violence and the ravaging of generations of innocent, suffering human beings at the behest of capital or colonization.
all this to say, don't turn on innocent human beings who are subjected to the horrors and ravaging of the systems they live in. have empathy knowing that so many people have been lied to and misled, by many sources, on purpose, to keep them placated and oblivious just as much as the next person. anyone is susceptible—your family members, your co-workers, your friends, your lovers. we're all on this earth, experiencing this world at the same time but in different ways. of course there are insanely wealthy people who see the world through a different lens, live beyond their realistic means, have lives so many of us could not always guess the details of, and the same goes for people who suffer so immensely, face such unfathomable violence, terror, destruction and loss that many of us will never face and will never understand first hand--experiences that no matter how negative our lives may become, no matter the struggles and turmoil we endure, these turmoils will still not reach the severity of another with different, steeper circumstances elsewhere.
a lot of this goes without saying... or so i could hope. but i am writing all of this to urge anyone who sees this to educate themselves as much as possible, to make concerted efforts to break away from propaganda and fill their minds with the knowledge and truth that can be obtained still. it is out there and we can educate ourselves and break away from the birage of lies they expect us all to accept and live with. we don't have to accept the far less than bare minimum that we endure and generations before us endured. there is history behind us to show the power of a human mind and the combination of human minds and a shared goal. we cannot allow cosmetic differences to divide us politically, and of course that can pertain to "cancel culture" because ultimately to police somehow for misspeaking when this is an individual that truly was mistaken and did not understand what they say and how they say it--perhaps due to aforementioned propaganda--they can be educated and given a broad chance to evolve and grow alongside you. this can be a chain reaction--i believe in that fully.
it requires a deep-seated empathy for humanity, and even for the earth itself. the earth is at stake amongst all of this, regardless of what anyone belueves individually. whether or not they want to acknowledge the earth, the earth has involuntarily acknowleged us too, and has suffered consequences that already reverberate back to us. (though that is not a statement meant to shift blame onto a collective of international, humble citizens... of course i am speaking exclusively about corporations, ruling class individuals, and individuals with direct power and ability to manipulate policy, resources, lives, earth, laws, repercussions, etc.)
don't give up on humanity, the earth, the universe, yourself, your loved ones, the water in the oceans, the tallest mountain peaks, the grass in your city, the animals in zoos, the countless people wrongfully imprisoned, the dead and decaying, the murdered and counting, the innocent, the vulnerable, the all of earth... don't give up on everything. don't give up on all of it.
turn your mind and your heart to the power of all of us together—they've done a fine job misleading so many and turning them against each other... but it's a choice to throw our wrenches in their cogs. we can do it together. we can stand up and fight, and fight on behalf of ourselves and anyone unable to fight—for any reason—dead or alive.
hear me out... look around... and don't give up.
— t
on another weird sleep bender but it won't last, and that's a good thing. i deserve good sleep! and in truth most of the distruptions have been due to our cats fiending for food anywhere from 3-10 am. they will learn their lesson soon as we are going to be feeding them at a specific time every day... no more free-feeding.
anyway, i wanted to say that i am proud of myself and all the hard work i've put into my website. my boyfriend has helped me considerably but there is also a lot i've accomplished myself and of course, the visuals/layouts are my own ideas and aesthetics. red, black and white are all i need!
i want to join a few webrings, tbh, and maybe even start my own. i previously mentioned the existence of a nine inch nails webring that has disappeared at some point and i didn't see any details or info about it. wouldn't it be awesome to start a new one? for all of us nine inch nails fans who step in time to trent's music and the sound of his mind. wouldn't that be great? i could host it here on neocities, too. for adult nin fans.
any nine inch nails fans that are following me and see this are welcome to let me know their thoughts! i think it could be fun. maybe we could chat somewhere, maybe discord. i'd love to talk to other people about the music and the aeshetics and the emotional/mental connectivity of the band and share my feelings. it could be fun.
i've earned some followers lately and a number means nothing, but instead what followers mean to me is people taking interest in me and wanting to see what i've created. or maybe you see what i've put together here and you appreciate it or are inspired by it and you want to see more from me—whatever the case may be, i appreciate it and i would love for many alt, queer people to find my space here and observe a collection of me and manifestations of my interests and emotions and passions online. thank you for your interest in me.
— t
i've been recoding each page on the site and trying to fix up the code and make the pages look/function better—i've already started work on the homepage and some of my shrines!
in the process of looking for graphics to better adorn my nin shrine, i found some fansites hosted on angelfire and i wish they were still active. one of them has a bunch of fansites linked, each with their own dedicated, handmade graphic to represent it...
none of them are accessible. most were 404s or brought me to a sterile, 2024 yahoo homepage.
i bet it was so fun to interact online with other fans at the time—it seems to me that nine inch nails fans have an eye for art and graphic design and the graphics i find are incredible. i collect them and marvel them and i need to make space for them in my shrine.
the site i found this morning is called a violet fluid, and it's no longer active, but it can still be viewed/explored. it looks like it used to be a part of a webring called "closerring" for fans all over the internet.
— t
just a few hours ago, after a concentrated and motivated effort to pass the final boss... i have finished hylics! what a stunning experience and it's unlike anything else i've ever experienced. mason lindroth describes hylics as a "program" and it really does feel like that at times when you're interacting with all of it. after passing the final boss i searched all over the map and each world to check if i'd missed anything--i went back for the remaining sage token i hadn't gotten, and acquired a few extra special skills--illusion form and legend of melting! (i wish i'd had the latter for the boss battle, tbh!)
a beautiful game with some of the most ethereal and unignorable music i've ever heard accompany a game. i always pay attention to music in games (and programs) and how they affect the atmosphere and experience of the gameplay--and i mean it when i say the music is outstanding and works in tandem with the stunning visuals to fully immerse you.
if you had to take the time to play a new game, experience an abstract work of art, enjoy an experience i'm certain you've never had before... hylics is the answer. i'll never forget it and in addition to more playthroughs, i am eager to play hylics 2--and i think the timing on my part has been just right, because i've seen something about a 3rd hylics as well. how exciting!!! it feels good to beat a game... and complete a program.
— t
i've been playing a lot of video games lately, and one in particular i've wanted to play for so long... i'm finally playing hylics! it's so beautiful and i can't get enough of the art style and the animation within. the colors are so striking and the music is so atmospheric, it's hard to put into words. it's been such a delightful thing to experience and explore and for a minute there, i thought i'd never get a chance to play the first game. whenever there's a series of games, when i'm new to it i always want to start at the very beginning if possible. i like to start with the "original" and get a chance to play all related games--for the completionist in me, but also for the full substance of the series. i'm playing hylics and hylics 2 looks phenomenal as well and the visuals are beautifully enhanced and built upon after what's in the first game. mason lindroth describes hylics as a "program" and when i'm interacting with it and i can feel and see what he means i think. i'm loving it so, so much and i'm trying not to rush it. it's really beautiful and feels like a lovely expanse and labyrinth to lose myself in...
— t
the past few days i haven't felt 100% emotionally, but i've been trying to keep my pace with making art. i'm still motivated and excited about sheezy, and i've been making a lot of art lately! experimenting with lining and coloring and overall composition. very pleased with improvements i can see in my art and style and process; it's progress! i am putting a lot of focus and energy into committing to an oc of some kind and i think i've got it. decided to challenge myself with a different design i've never drawn before for this oc i've been working on today... i really like the way they look so far so i'm hoping the artwork/idea turns out. we'll see.
gotta keep making art, gotta stay motivated, gotta remember what matters to me, gotta remember what makes sparks fly in my heart, gotta remember what kind of stuff keeps me up at night with thrill and anticipation...
... let's keep going.
— t
i'm back to working on my website and i've been updating my various pages with new stuff, and i have new ideas for new pages too! i've also been making a lot of art lately and i'm proud of myself for not losing any inspiration or motivation to make art. been making a lot of different types of art, i've been practicing pixel art with procreate, and also i've been working on a new self portrait. i find it really affirming to draw myself because, well, i did spend a long time struggling with awful self esteem and body image and that literally led quickly to me drawing myself inaccurately, basically every time. as an adult my self portraits have improved immensely and i draw myself with confidence and most importantly, accurately! my features, proportions, etc.
anyway, recently i discovered sheezy for the first time and wow i am incredibly excited about it! i used to use deviantart pretty consistently but it changed a lot over time and i didn't like using it much at that point. i've posted my art sometimes over the years on tumblr but it's hard to maintain an audience for art there and that worsened with time, too. tumblr's changed a lot too but i am still willing to use it—i do enjoy it.
i've wanted a decent place to post and explore art in a way that feels comfortable and truly authentic and enjoyable and i feel like i've finally that in sheezy! i think it's so cool and amazing that it existed in the early/mid 00's and it's being rebuilt with so much hard work and heavy consideration of artists and their experience using the website. i've really enjoyed using it so far, there's zero ads, it's full of profile customization and i love how easy it is to upload art and tag it, organize it, and display it in your own gallery.
and to top everything off, my tax return will hit soon and it's a good one! a very needed ball of money that will help me a lot and i think it'll go on a long way and last. very grateful for it—i'd love to spend time with friends and have some fun with them with some of it... i'd love that.
— t
so happy to be back and working on this website again. i wanna add a lot more to it and i wanna really get creative with fonts, text, and graphics. i wanna add new pages with some ideas i've had. i'm considering adding more video to the site uploading my fancams! i'm very proud of them, i rly enjoy video editing, it would be fun to share them here. i wanna add a guestbook, too. and more graphics! said that already, hehe. (: thanks to my new followers for taking a look and choosing to follow--i'm back to daily updates!
— t
if you can believe it, i slept much like a vampire yesterday, and felt the weight of conforming to a daylight schedule yesterday fall away completely after reading the beginning of interview with the vampire for the first time. i was reading to my boyfriend to comfort him while he fell to sleep and was reading this for the first time and feeling so enamored and admittedly swept away by the visuals and world that was formed in my mind as i processed every word... it really has left a mark on me already... i look forward to reading more of it.
— t
i'll try to make this entry brief because i wanna go to bed a little earlier, but admittedly it is nearly 5 am. i'm going to try my very best to wake up on time and not sleep in past 12pm--that's my usual timeframe i keep in mind--so if i go to bed soon i can definitely make that happen.
i spent some time watching some video essays i'd never seen before, i always want to watch new video essays and learn new things. (and not just because i was the kid removed from public school and given very, very little education at all outside of what i got from public school... that's a different topic for a different day.) i love to learn and listening and watching a video essay or documentary really works well for me, the pairing of visuals with spoken text and captions, too, is really helpful for me and i absord information well. i don't give myself enough creit around reading, though. i often admit i don't read enough, which is true and i do want to read more books and want to commit to that, but i do read wikipedia articles often, as well as written essays, articles, and other text-based things where i'm learning and absorbing what i'm reading.
i can glance at my bookshelf next to me and see books i've cracked into but i have yet to finish, but have thoroughly enjoyed and absorbed what i've read of them thus far. for example, i really want to finish my copy of by any means necessary which features ideas, speeches and direct sentiments from malcolm x. the first edition of that book was first published in 1970.
anyway, i don't have tons to say right now, but as always i'm always full of emotion, it's definitely a spectrum... and i try not to lose myself in the depths of the blended, draining shades... i try my very best not to lose myself in the suffocation of the terrified or disengaged corners.
every day i try my absolute best to make enriching, progressive, grounded choices that guide me through life in a way that rejects the lies and deformity of capitalism and ideas and "choices" meant only to make someone money and mean nothing for the life and wellbeing of an individual or a family or a community or a society. and it might ironically sound generic, but i mean it when i say that acknowledging what we do have in life, the things we are truly grateful and thankful for, the love in our lives, the things we have that we may take for granted that others struggle for or never have, and plenty more... we realize we do have good things. but the international community deserves so, so, so much more than capitalism, so much more than war, so much more than genocide, so much more than environmental destruction and grief, so much more than death and decay that can be prevented... it's possible. it absolutely is possible.
don't give up on the world, don't give up on yourself, don't give up on love, don't give up on fighting for more.
— t
yesterday was a mixed day. i went to my planned parenthood appointment and got set up with them; the person that filled out my medical history/chart was trans and reccomended a goth club after noting my rob zombie shirt i was wearing--a lighthearted moment! my prescription should be ready later on (now monday) and i'll have more testosterone again! i want to stay consistent like i have been in the past with my shots--missing t shots definitely messes with my moods and overall hormones, of course. in 2021, my first year on testosterone, i was very consistent with my shots and it was very beneficial to me and it felt good to take it on-time every week.
some other unusual, stupid things happened yesterday that i might only ever write in my physical journal about... it's funny, though, that people can be so reactive to me in negative ways... it's an interesting phenomenon i've witnessed over time. i rarely output anything offensive to aggrivate others with, and online especially, i'm not a mega-poster or someone who speaks and thinks out loud frequently, hourly, every single day online. in fact this sace here is the one of the only places you'll find me actively online anymore--aside from tumblr and instagram and sorta-kinda x, too. mainly here.
trying to just relax and unwind after my weird and kind of dissociative, semi-nonverbal (semi-mute) day. didn't feel particularly verbal at all while at the grocery store--that tends to happen to me--even right now i'm not feeling very verbal and i'm appreciating the sound of the heater running, the keys on my keyboard, and the talking in the youtube video i'm playing in the background. zehn's playing overwatch but he's wearing his headphones so it's relatively quiet right now.
in the background i've been listening to and glancing at a video from ethel cain, it's a video of her talking about art books in her collection that she really likes. the way she speaks is very soothing! i've noticed a lot of people talking about her but admittedly i'd never even seen her face until just a couple of hours ago, i watched her video where she reviews a sound conditioning machine. a marsona sound conditioner, i think it was. i'm enjoying listening to her describe the artwork in the books and describing the colors and compositions, her interpretations. it has me thinking about the art and photography books i have, i should really pull them out and turn their pages and enjoy them.
i feel melancholy, though. sometimes i'll see things like this, someone just sharing something they really like and something that makes them feel, makes them happy, and it can remind me of what i've been lacking in my life during a depressive period--and it's just that--the things that make me happy, things that spark introspection, creativity, inspiration, etc. art and music really do that for me but i can sadly admit there are many times where i don't listen to music when i could put on a record or pop a casette player in. or i could pull out my sketchbook and make a very intentional piece of art, instead of just a spontaneous doodle or sketch... not that that's bad to do, spontaneous art... but an intentional piece is an achievement of its own and can feel really special.
maybe i just need to tap into my own creativity more. i do tap into that in some way, i'll draw on my ipad, create a sketch or doodle or painting, but maybe i need to make more physical things, perhaps. i do need to make music again--it's been a long time. hopefully i can get garageband to actually work on my macbook.
i do, also, want to go to therapy again. it's been well over a decade since i last had any kind of therapist--and it was a subpar situation/setup when i did... but i would like to. of course i've been through plenty of things worth talking to a therapist about, plenty of things worth getting a professional opinion on, and i will... but it's a process. i need to find someone i feel truly comfortable with, someone who won't give me grief over my transness or queer/trans existence/culture/politics/etc so i can actually feel comfortable and respected. i haven't done lots of research yet but i'm hoping minnesota state insurance actually covers therapy and i can have a quality therapist that i feel good about actually covered by said insurance... we'll see what happens. i'll be applying soon and i'll find out soon what i can do with it. in the meantime, i do have my diary.
feels nice to write all of this out... a quiet, safe space for me to share my thoughts and feelings and ideas and document my daily life/experiences. i'll write more soon, of course. if you've been reading my blog... thank you. i appreciate it.
— t
today i overslept quite a bit, but that's what i get for staying up until 5 am fixing code on my website. admittedly i made a lot of progress but i really should have noticed the time, but yes, i did get a lot done and my pages are looking great! i really feel like i can do anything with this website and let it be a reflection of my emotions and creativity, an outlet for me.
it's nice to have a place that is all my own, unrestricted, to put together a space for my art, my thoughts, my special interests... i value my self-expression and i really enjoy putting all of this together to create a personal, thoughtful virtual representation of my essence.
i have so many ideas... i'm not done yet!
— t
i've been working on my website for hours and also had plenty of help from my boyfriend—the code for my diary works and looks much better now. i've made a lot of progress and have new pages to eplore, as well. i've already started working on my shrine for brandon lee. i have a directory, featuring a collection of important links.
i think i learn a little bit more about coding every day!
— t
february is here and i feel like i've been adjusting to the new year during january, like mammals emerging from hibernation to reenter the world outside awaiting them... i've felt disconnected from myself lately but...
maybe i can find my way back.
— t
